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I don’t know about you, but honestly at times I find it very hard to say sorry. Does this ever happen to you?
What if it’s someone we’ve held a grudge against because we doggedly stuck to our need to be right? A wise woman once asked me “What’s more important, your need to be right or relationship?”
How does it make us feel? What do we fear? Do we try to rationalise what we did? It often depends on what we have to apologise about. It’s not a big thing if we bumped someone in line – it’s easy to say sorry.
Perhaps we’ve never broken the habit of criticising people behind their back? I mean, they didn’t even know we spoke poorly about them – is there really a need to apologise about that? And what if the other person is partly to blame?
So how and when do we say sorry?
Recently, I attended Celebrate Recovery a movement started by Rick Warren, author of A Purpose Driven Life. It’s described as:
a Christ-centered recovery program for anyone struggling with a hurt, habit or hang-up of any kind.”
Celebrate Recovery
It was an eye opener. Part way through the course we completed our inventory, by writing down all the ways we’ve been harmed, by whom and the results. Next we made a record of the positive events and people who have made our lives better and inspired us. This provides a balanced approach so we are not focusing solely on the negative things in our lives and falsely believe we are a victim:
But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Cor 15:57 (NIV)
Then we considered how our actions and inactions have harmed others, listing the people and ways we harmed them and how to make amends. Importantly, we follow James’ teaching:
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
James 5:16 (NIV)
We then shared our entire inventory one on one with a trusted Christian confidante. Our confidante encouraged us to forgive the people who harmed us and led us in a prayer to forgive, release and bless these people. Many years ago I realised the evidence of true forgiveness is the ability to pray for and bless the person who hurt me.
We thanked prayed for and blessed the people who have benefited us. For the people we have harmed, we were led in a prayer of repentance and asked God to forgive us and change us. Lastly, we apologised to the people we have harmed. Sometimes this may be in person, via a phone call, a text or a letter. Perhaps the person is no longer with us. In this case we may write a letter that will never be sent. If approaching the other person would harm them or put us at risk of further harm, we do not contact them at all.
Needless to say this process has taken time. Probably longer than necessary. There’s been a lot of procrastination and avoidance on my part.
It was an interesting and humbling process. I must admit I felt a sense of dread about the idea of sharing some of the truly embarrassing ways I’ve behaved. I also did not relish the idea of saying sorry. It brought an intense sense of shame.
When we need to apologise are we fearful of rejection? Of our inability to control the outcome? Of making ourselves vulnerable? It’s easy to come up with excuses for our poor behaviour – “I was tired,” “I’d had a bad day,” etc.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV)
However, when we apologise we must do so humbly, without excuses, and without expectations as to the outcome. We don’t rush over it and generalise. We give a heartfelt apology and say we were wrong to do whatever it was we did. We admit we hurt them and how we hurt them. We say sorry for doing this. We ask for forgiveness. Remembering, ultimately the aggrieved person doesn’t owe us anything. Regardless of whether they forgive us or not, we do it to obey Jesus’ teaching. We ask if there is anything we can do to repair the damage.
Then Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord, I give half of my goods to the poor; and if I have taken anything from anyone by false accusation, I restore fourfold.”
Luke 19:8 (NIV)
Lastly we lay it all down at Jesus’ feet. Trusting he is changing us and we are less likely to repeat this behaviour.
When I was going through this process the Holy Spirit convicted me of many things of which I was unaware. He is gentle, he does not condemn. I immediately wanted to obey and follow His direction. I started apologising as soon as He gave me the urge to move. It was far easier than I thought it would be.
Yes, it was uncomfortable. Yet the gains were amazing. The beautiful people I apologised to forgave me and we now have a closer relationship. Some needed to unload the burden of the hurt they’d experienced and of course I accepted the blame for that. Then they forgave me. I am exceedingly grateful for the grace they all showed towards me.
By following this process, I have been set free from a jail of my own making.
It can be easy to talk ourselves out of having these conversations. Yet, they are necessary to rebuild relationships, families, churches and communities.
We must show the world how to mend relationships with humility.
I hope this blog has encouraged you to consider seeking the Lord’s help to apologise to others. I’d love to hear how this has helped mend your relationships. If you’d like to subscribe so you don’t miss any posts, please click on the link below. God bless you!
I’d like to thank Skye, Charlie and Kristy who all helped me in my Celebrate Recovery Journey.
Disclaimer: I do not receive any money from any of the sources stated.
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