We all love our children and grandchildren. We don’t want them to suffer or make the same mistakes we’ve made. And if you are anything like me, you’ve made a few.

In our efforts to spare our children from harm we may stop them from failing in small ways with little things. For instance, they want this cool pair of jeans that are costly. Instead of letting them save up we lend the money. This behaviour can continue when they are adults. And this is the birth of Parentlink. An amazing service where children come and draw on what seems like an endless supply of financial resources, interest free, with little or no consequences if the money isn’t repaid. I am not saying we should withhold funds if there is a real need.

Additionally, if they come to us and say they’re having problems in the school yard and we turn around and tell them how to manage it. Or worse still, walk up to the school and complain on their behalf. This is the birth of Parentlink’s sister service – Parentthink. If we come up with the solutions to all of our children’s problems how’re they to grow? Although, it’s important to realise real bullying must be addressed.  We would be better to ask curious questions and help them to brainstorm some solutions to their problems and then coax them to imagine the outcome of each of their ideas before choosing the best option.

And then there is the adult child who is very untidy and disorganised. Parents turn up, clean the house and do the laundry and the yard to help. This is ParentClean, the third arm of the corporation. If this service comes regularly the adult child does not need to make any attempt at cleaning or adulting. Why would they even try? If your child has mental health issues they may need help to do the most basic of chores.

When we are the “safety net” for our children’s every eventuality we are robbing our children of important life lessons.

When people fail in small ways the consequences are small. And hopefully the lessons are learned –

• I am responsible for the situation I am in
• If I want things to change I have to make decisions and take action to change it
• If I want good relationships with people I must be trustworthy and kind and spend time with them
• If I want something in my life – relationship, career, possessions – I have to put effort in to achieve it
• If I don’t pay my bills I get a bad credit rating
• There are solutions to every problem

This list could go on forever. Basically, the main message is there are consequences to my behaviour.

For each shall have to bear his own load

Gal 6:5

Is our behaviour love? Or is it fear? Is our own fear of failure so overwhelming we try to spare our children from it? Or is it a problem letting go of control?

Paul said:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on it’s own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

1Corinthians 13:4-8 ESV

Are we insisting on our own way when we are trying to control our children’s lives? Are we desperate to be needed by our children and setting them up to be dependent on us to fulfil this unhealthy desire? Are we trying to be all things for our children?

Are we posing as God in their lives? Leaving no room for them to need Him. If all their needs are met at all times without effort how will they learn resilience and problem solving skills? Will they ever seek God, or develop a prayer life and intimate relationship with Him? Where will they discover their identity in Christ? How will they know the joy of giving rather than just receiving. How will they find their purpose in life?

God loves our children even more than we do. Do we trust God enough to allow our children to experience disappointment, rejection and failure? Knowing that He’s got them and will work all things for good.

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